In grief for the America that was

I used to have pride in being American. I’m grateful for all the opportunities and privileges I’ve had being a citizen of this storied democracy. I held onto hope when my countrymen doubted the citizenship of my president. I held on when we elected a fraudulent, undignified xenophobe to succeed him. I held on when we left a climate agreement out of spite and began rolling back environmental protections left and right. But today, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t really feel like part of this place anymore.

I’m still trying to figure out my career. If I stay here after grad school, I’ll be a more inward looking person; thinking about my own life, friends and family. But I’m looking into leaving. I don’t really feel like I can be part of this shared enterprise anymore. It’s really out of exhaustion more than anger. I’m tired of this feeling of grief. It’s analogous to the feeling I’d have after losing a loved one, when I just want to disconnect. The country I grew up in is no more, and it may be time to move on.